HOW IT GOES

by - Evenstar

TITLE:	HOW IT GOES
AUTHOR:	Evenstar
DISCLAIMER:	These characters belong to Joss Whedon, UPN and Mutant Enemy.
RATING:	PG
SPOILERS:	"Potential"
AUTHOR'S NOTE:	Horrible fluffy...I know ;)

It was a quiet night at the Summers home. For once the place didn't sound like it was doubling as command headquarters for the war against the First Evil. Half the time Spike expected Buffy to walk in wearing kevlar and armed to the teeth. Often though the Slayer looked drawn out, malnourished, and usually sad. Too sad.

His first compulsion each time he saw her was to reach out and enfold her in his arms, tell her she was still loved and that he knew she'd prevail in the end. So far he'd managed a comforting pat on her shoulder.

At present he stood over the stove stirring in shavings of semisweet chocolate into a simmering pot of whole milk. He was alone, the perpetual slumber party of Scoobies and Slayers in Training all sleeping. Once his vampire ears detected the household was down for the night, he ventured up from his space in the basement, fancying a warm cup of homemade cocoa. Buffy hadn't moved Joyce's jar of chocolate from Mexico and the maple brown sugar next to it in another. Fortunately Spike remembered precisely how Joyce made her special cocoa. He couldn't imagine ever forgetting. His alone time visiting with Buffy's mother were among his fondest memories ever. He imagined, but was fairly certain that Joyce would have made these poor frightened young girls feel at home. Buffy was doing her best, but she was still a girl herself. Spike hoped he was helping enough. The girls considered him a mentor and he was sure a couple of the had developed crushes.

The cocoa had come to a boil and Spike went to the cupboard in search of a mug. As he was rummaging for one that suited him, a hand landed between his shoulder blades. He cried out in shock and dropped to the floor, his arms up in a defensive position.

"Oh god! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sneak up!" Buffy exclaimed, a little taken a back. He dropped his arm and let out a heavy sigh. He ground the base of his palms into his eyes and then let out a frustrated growl.

"Bugger," he snarled.

"You're shaking." Her voice was hushed and soothing as if trying to take back the fright she had given him. He clamored to his feet and back to what he'd been doing, giving her the cold shoulder."Is there enough for two?"

"Yeah, s'pose." He got down two mugs and diligently divided the sweet liquid between them. He turned off the stove and passed her a cup. Buffy gestured for them to sit at the island. Spike complied, sitting with a stool between them.

"I'm really sorry, Spike."

"I know you didn't mean it, pet. Just came up, felt like a cuppa...I was sure you were all asleep."

"I, I kinda wanted something to drink too." She took a sip and a smile instantly came to her face,"Hey this is really good! You know what this reminds me of?"

"Just like Joyce's, I know, I remembered."

"It's perfect."

"Yeah, not bad." There was a pause and Spike sipped his own drink, it tasted marvelous."Look, Slayer, I apologize for going all poxy on you there. Most the the time, like you, I'm on the edge, just waiting for the First to strike again, but being in this house, with the others, with you....I got too comfortable."

"I want you to be comfortable here."

"There's a deference between being comfortable and forgetting the reality of the situation."

"I wish we could forget."

"Me too, love. If I, a bloody vamp, couldn't sense you coming upon me what to say next time it won't be a Harbinger, I'll be dust - you'll be next, then the First'll pick off those girls one by one." Buffy didn't know whether to get angry or give up right along with him. She took another drink and looked over him, a quiet, despairing vampire sitting in her kitchen without a shirt on, drinking hot cocoa.

"Or maybe on some level you knew it was me and you knew I'd never hurt you." She got a grin from him and was pleased. She also happened to notice just then how cute those two moles under his right shoulder blade were.

"I like that Buffy, we're friends aren't we?" She recalled his speech to her and Angel a few years back about friends and lovers, but chose to prove him wrong.

"We're friends." He bit into his bottom lip to stop its emotion induced tremble.

"Thank you." He could barely whisper now, this new closeness between them was more than he'd ever hoped for."I'll never admit to anyone but you, but the things the First and his pet Neanderthal did to me - I lie awake at night and try not to scream at the top of my lungs because my body still hurts and I can still feel his hands on me, the First's voice in my ear..." He gulped down the remainder of his cocoa in one go, then stared into the empty cup, grasping it in both hands,"It's always that way you know, the schoolyard when I was a boy, I was a small boy. I was easy pickings, new bruise every day to keep me in my place. Then it was Oxford - if it wasn't a beating behind the building, they'd find some other way, some humiliation, usually in front of the ladies, in from of Ce..." Buffy could hardly stand to listen as Spike spoke of his obviously tumultuous and sad human existence. She doubted he was even aware of how he was purging his darkest, most painful secrets. She stared silent and let him continue, feeling oddly privileged he was talking to her,"Angelus..." Any warmth that the cocoa had given her suddenly disappeared from her body."You only say no to Angelus once, learn that pretty quick! Try and fight him off your back and he only makes it worse...he likes it when you scream, when you bleed...when you cry..."

He was crying now, so much so in fact that the trail of his tears flowed down his neck and chest. He gripped the cup in his hands as if it were Angelus' neck. Buffy had never in her wildest dreams imagined that Angelus would have done what Spike had just admitted to. No wonder he'd run to Africa after the incident in her bathroom. He must've thought he was as vile as his monster of a grandsire. She'd never seen him that way.

When her two hands closed over his she startled him again. The mug shattered under the pressure, making them both jump. His voice sputtered as he tried to make an apology.

"Shhh...." Buffy cajoled, drawing his hands away from the broken ceramic. She kept holding on to his hands as she slid off her stool, pushing the one between them out of the way with her leg and coming to him. Her soft lips pressed themselves to his temple. There was a succession of three quick kisses to the spot, then on the final one she kept them there as he took in her warmth. She guided his hands from the counter and around her waist.

The cotton night shirt she wore was especially soft. Spike let out a shaky breath when she moved one of his hands a little lower than her waist. At long last she moved her mouth away from the hot spot she'd made on his face, going to his ear.

"You're okay, honey, you're safe here with me. I won't let any of them hurt you anymore."

"I'm so terribly sorry."

"It's just a mug."

"No, no, Buffy you said it was over, you told me no - I couldn't hear you and I hurt you, I broke all my promises that horrible night."

"And you thought getting the soul would make up for it?" He was silent, she thought that he probably believed it was a trick question,"You soul is a beautiful thing, and you'll learn that it can make life amazing, but it was the demon's choice to get it that told me all I'll ever need to know about a vampire named Spike..." She locked her arms around his shoulders and lay her cheek next to his,"And a man named William, both of whom are important to me...I've fallen for you, Spike." When she heard his sharp intake of breath and his fingers press into her backside she knew she'd got him. She wanted to see his eyes, looking to those perilous wells and see the soul he'd earned out of love for her. He seemed as broken and helpless as when she'd found him in the cave after his weeks of torture."Is that such a surprise? I guess it must be. You came back home here tormented and in such pain, just like me when I came back. You saved me then and I want to save you now. If you'll let me, if you want me too, if you want me..."

"Always want you..."

"Tell me you love me?"

"I love you, Buffy."

"Wow...this is scary...Spike, I love you too. I love you." When he returned her admission with a wide, bright smile she felt an incredible peace overcome her."Come here." They hugged, a simple gesture to offer comfort,"Come upstairs with me?" He pulled back, seemingly frayed and withdrawn again.

"It's...I...I don't wish to hurt you...it's just...I don't know if we should...if I can...if I'm able...it's too...too soon."

"It's cold in the basement and it's warm in my bed, we could just hold each other, like we are now. I want us to be together and I'm sorry to have want it now when I didn't want it last year. We can fall asleep in each other's arms, wake up the same way. I've been trying to work up the courage to say all this for days since I realized. Almost losing you to that stupid chip opened my eyes....not that the Turok Han didn't do that too, but the chip was the last straw. Finally. I've watched you with the girls, how you're like a shepherd with his flock; I see you and Willow talking, you and Xander not fighting; Dawn wanting so badly to just grab you and hug you - but her pride's still getting in the way; Giles stares at you from across the room like he wants to interrogate you. He's in awe over the soul. And just between you and me, Andrew looks at you like you're cotton candy - sorry about that one. Last there me, I watch you and my heart breaks."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, just be Spike. If you're uncomfortable with sharing a bed so soon you don't have to. I'm gonna be good for you from now on...."

"You've been more than good for me, love, ever since the first time I saw you. You made me good. " He stood up and pulled her close, while she rested her palms on his bare chest."Promise you won't take back what you've just said? And no will mean no? And yes...will mean yes?"

"I promise. Can I call you honey and sit on your lap at breakfast, nibble your ear lobe and tell Xander to stuff it when he goes all jerk guy and tries to insult my boyfriend choices?" Buffy gave a little whimper of delight when the vampire's cool hands came up under her shirt and cupped her panty covered bottom.

"Boyfriend suddenly is it?"

"It's been coming on for a while now, about six years in my estimation, and because we've waited so long, we can wait a little longer, right?"

"Right. It's what? Tuesday? I'll be shagging you by Friday."

"Oh yeah?"

"Oh yeah."

After they'd cleaned up after the cocoa, Buffy lead them upstairs to her bedroom. She closed the door after he entered, then locked it. She kept the lights off and moved towards her bed while Spike stayed by the door. Between him and the bed she pulled off her panties and then her night shirt. She pulled opened the covers and lay down on one side of the bed, facing him.

"Uh...should I?" Spike asked, gesturing to his clothing.

"Take them off, if you're okay with it and us being naked together."

"I used to walk around naked in front of you all the time."

"I remember, you have a beautiful body and I didn't treat it like I should have. I'll never put another bruise on you." She couldn't understand why he suddenly had a smirk on his face. He made a bit of a show of pulling off his pants, doing it slowly so he could watch Buffy watching him.

"I seem to recall, pet, that we gave each other some bruises from rather pleasurable experiences." He came over to her at a saunter, but moved past where she'd opened the sheets for him and over to the window. He pulled the curtains closed then walked a path back to the bed. Spike eased down on the mattress, facing Buffy. He was close enough to lay his hand on her cheek,"Come close." Without hesitation she moved into his embrace. She burrowed into him, her face hidden at the spot between his shoulder and jaw. Her plump breasts were pressed firmly to his chest, one arm above her head and wrapped around his, fingers already threaded in his hair, the other around his waist.

For his part, Spike was being a bit of a naughty vampire. While the arm that was under her back held her to him, the other hand a possessive grasp on her bottom. He'd always had a fondness for it."Comfy?" he asked, giving one cheek a squeeze.

"Very, this is where I belong, you can't imagine how good it feels to realize that! We can both finally rest, can't we?" He hugged her as close as possibly.

"Yes we can. And to think, sweetheart, all I hoped for tonight was a nice cuppa." Buffy smiled and closed her eyes and kissed his neck. She kept herself awake until she was sure he was asleep, then let herself drift away, safe in his arms, he safe in hers.

THE END