LIVING HELL

by - Lauralee

TITLE	LIVING HELL
AUTHOR	Lauralee
RATING	PG
SPOILERS	"After Life" Season 6
FEEDBACK	Of course!
DISCLAIMER	They're not mine, and it's so unfair. Joss, Fox, UPN, Mutant Enemy and who knows who else owns them all.
DISTRIBUTION	Ask me first!

Spike paced back and forth, choosing to wait out the sun's slow descent in the alley rather than go inside the shop and play nice.

He wasn't feeling very nice.

He had known that something wasn't right, had felt is so far down that it had left him shaking with fear at times, unable to sleep and unable to do anything about it. But he hadn't imagined this in his nightmares. Though he thought he should have. Why would someone like Buffy ever be in hell?

Easy answer, the reply came. She wouldn't have.

Then answer this one, his wondering mind demanded. Why would someone who has already gone to heaven choose a monster like you?

This time he chose to ignore himself.

Finally the sun sank far enough below the horizon to allow escape from the alley. He stayed in the shadows, at times using his duster to shield himself from the deadly rays, and he ran for the house on Revello Drive.

Buffy came running downstairs when she heard the front door slam open, then skidded to a stop as she watched Spike check his duster for burn marks. She didn't ask him why he was there. Instead she sat down on the couch and pulled her feet up underneath her and waited for him to speak first.

Spike sat down next to her and turned to face her. He was silent for a long time, then asked "Are you ever going to tell them?"

"I can't," she answered. "It would hurt them too much."

"Hurt them?" Spike looked at her, dumbfounded. "They bloody well ripped you out of heaven, left you buried alive, and you're worried about hurting them?"

"Spike, this place is bad enough without making it more painful for the ones I love."

"So why me, Slayer? Why tell me?"

"I don't know," Buffy shrugged, then stared off into space. "Because I needed to tell someone. Because I can trust you with this. Because you can handle knowing," she finally answered.

"Can I?" he whispered. "What does an angel from heaven need with a demon?"

"I'm no angel," Buffy answered. "And what I need is a friend. Someone I don't have to lie to."

"I don't know how to be a friend, Slayer," Spike said truthfully. He could feel his one chance to get close to her slipping away.

"Spike, since I've known you you have been my worst enemy, my strongest ally, my would-be killer, my savior, my stalker, a confidant when my mom was sick, and the only one I would entrust my sister to. I have no doubt that you can fit 'friend' on your resume."

Spike sighed, then ran a weary hand through his hair. "Maybe I can," he said, then stood up to pace some more, "but it's not what I want."

"I know, Spike," Buffy answered. "I'll tell you a secret," she said, patting the couch beside her. "I told you that I felt warm and loved while I was there, but it was more than just a general feeling. I could feel my mom's love, Dawn's, my friends'. I could feel how much they loved me. And I could feel you, Spike. It wasn't like the others. It wasn't anything like Angel. But it was there, and it was strong. Possessive."

"Damned right it's possessive," he growled. "I've always known you were meant to be mine. Thought for a long time that you would be mine to kill. Now I know better. I'm your other, darker half. I just hope you realize it before you die again."

"Right now, I'm missing so much of me, and it's not just my darker half," she smiled slightly. "I want to die, Spike. I know it's wrong, but I don't want to be here."

Spike moved to her and slowly pulled her into his arms. "Then I'll just have to prove that this isn't hell after all," he whispered into her hair. And he meant to do just that.