MISERERE NOBIS

by - Tosca

TITLE:	MISERERE NOBIS
AUTHOR:	Tosca
RATING:	PG
PARTS:	1/1
DISCLAIMER:	Property of lots of important people that aren't me.
DISTRIBUTION:	Just ask.
SPOILERS:	General S6
FEEDBACK:	I'll beg.
NOTES:	This is set sometime in the hopefully near future but it can be any time post-As You Were. There have been many versions of how Buffy finally says her three words, and this is mine.

I'll tell you the truth; I was just tired. It had simply come to the point where enough was enough.

I had come to him in desperation, in complete exhaustion from my constant self-bettering. I had counted on an easy conversation, shattered as my nerves were, but considering the fact that it was *him* I should have known better. But of course, as he would have obnoxiously pointed out, I was only thinking about myself now wasn't I? Still, I was quite taken aback when the first words that left his mouth the moment I entered his home were,

"Get out."

The door paused in surprise before slowly wandering shut, leaving me standing bewildered in front of it.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Get out."

This was confusing to say the least.

"I don't "

"You don't what? Understand?"

I tried to slip in my fractured `no' but he took it for granted and went on.

"Of course you of course you bloody don't. Never have, never will, so get out."

Whether he meant my lack of understanding to refer to him or our relationship I don't know, but I stood my ground.

"I came here to tell you th "

"That you need me to stay away from you, yeah, I know. God, you are worse than a broken record, you know that? I wouldn't think it would be possible to hurt more *every time* you say it, but it sodding does. So just - just get out because I don't want to hear it again."

He paused for a moment as though he were gearing to strike a blow, his eyes silently sparking.

"In fact no. Well, bloody YES. In FACT, I don't want to hear your *voice* again. Don't want to see your face because all you do is remind me of what I can never have, what I don't *deserve* to have."

I blinked perplexedly at his self-effacing statement and he scoffed at this.

"What? You think all this time I never realized you were too good for me? I know it. I've always known it, and now I accept it, so bloody GET OUT!"

At this point, I realized barely two words had come from my mouth since I had entered, but to me it no longer mattered. It was suddenly and terribly apparent how deeply I had broken his spirit, and that tore at me more than I thought it could. So I turned away, my eyes too dry and my head too numb, and walked towards the door. But something in me was desperate to release what I longed to tell him, what he refused to hear. So I paused for a moment with my back to him, and cast away under the veil of my breath words I never imagined I would say.

"I love you."

He was at my side in an instant.

His eyes bore through mine, intent and glistening, and his hands gripped tensely at my arms with white knuckles. His voice was lacking question.

"What did you say."

I was stubborn and my chin tried valiantly to show this, but its weak trembling betrayed me.

"Nothing."

"That's a lie." He shook me, roughly but carefully. "What did you *say*?"

"I I didn't say any "

But his mouth crushed my response, his tongue pressing urgently against my swiftly pliant lips. The kiss was over quickly, and his hands were now smoothing their path over my hair and cheeks desperately.

"Tell me what you said, please Bu "

"I love you!"

The words spilled out of my mouth with a shout and we stared at each other, both equally stunned. His jaw was slack, and he seemed to be unaware of the tears threatening to fall from his eyes.

"You "

"I love you."

I was quieter this time, but just as reverent.

"I can't I won't hide it anymore. I don't want to. And "

I bit my lip, for it seemed that the second thing to tell him was more difficult to say than the first, but he dove at my lips sweetly, stealing affection for a moment before quirking a stern eyebrow.

"And?"

"And I'm sorry. For hurting you. I'm sorry because because you didn't deserve it."

I paused to reconsider this.

"Well, most of it. But I'm sorry. Because you're a a good man."

I had lowered my eyes by this point, and heard the shaken gasp rather than saw it fall from his lips. Before I could look up, I felt my mouth searching for his again, and with that kiss I found my absolution. He leaned back softly, his gaze almost alive with its electricity.

"God I *love* you."

I smiled as though it were the first time I had ever done such a thing, before replying eagerly.

"I love you."

That was the only thing, the only truth my mind was aware of, but my body was intensely aware of him sinking to his knees, pressing his soaked face into my belly and sobbing. And I sank with him shortly after, and for the longest time following we were only two desperate people, clinging to each others broken hearts on bended knees, our eyes closed tightly as though in prayer.

*Give us mercy*.