YOU DIDN'T?
by - Phoenixstitch
| TITLE | YOU DIDN'T? |
| AUTHOR | Phoenixstitch |
| RATING | NC-13 for language and content. |
| SUMMARY | This takes place immediately after Crush . What having the vampire barrier back up is going to really mean, and how Spike feels about it. |
| AUTHOR'S NOTES | This is one of my rare short stories complete in itself--yes, I can actually finish something! |
| DISCLAIMER | All the usual disclaimers to Josh Wheldon, Mutant Enemy, the WB or whatever else Powers That Be claim Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This is written just for fun and not for profit. |
"You put a bloody barrier up?? Slayer? Buffy? How could you? Why?" Spike asked in stunned dismay at the closed and locked door as he stood numbly on Buffy's front porch. He was in total shock. "After all this bleeding time she decides to have the Wicca's to do an uninvite on the house? Now? God, girl, that was bloody harsh."
Just earlier this evening I was inside laughing and joking with your Mum, and the kid feeling like part of the family, welcome, wanted, feeling like a member of the team. Now I'm uninvited? I'm being told to bugger off like I'm some sort of low life? What the bloody hell was all of this for now? Just because it had finally came out all in the open about how I feel about you, you got to do this? It's just so bloody unfair! Bitch!
Never the mind that I chose you, Slayer, over Dru and--Harmony. No, that didn't cut any ice with you. Ungrateful, that's what you are. I even defended you from Dru. She wanted to finish you off, but I wouldn't let her. I even locked my dark princess up so she couldn't hurt you, kept you safe from her tearing your throat out-no, that didn't matter. So I put you in chains. Big deal, Dru didn't mind. Actually, I think Dru was rather enjoying it. I bloody didn't think you'd mind, Slayer, but I guess you don't take kindly to being chained up. So I've goofed up again, big time. I keep forgetting that what Dru thinks of as acceptable foreplay, and fun freaks you out. Sorry, it's too `weird' and `kinky' for your idea of sex or love. I keep forgetting how bloody innocent, and unworldly as you are, and how bloody uptight your notions of what sex and romance are. Really got to broaden your perspectives there, Slayer.
All I want to do is shag you within an inch of your life, and then some, is that so bloody wrong? Probably never had a bloody decent shag in your whole damned life. Luv, I just can't envision you getting any satisfaction from Captain Cardboard, or any of the other blokes I've heard of trying to love you. Can't you understand that you need a bloody demon in your life, and that `normal' is never going to be enough for you? Buff, you need someone that can match your strength, your fire, your bloody passion, not one of these bleeding soulboys, white bread cutouts that can't even hold up their end of a decent shag. You've got untapped depths in you, ones that even my bleeding sire doesn't know are there. But I see glimpses of them when I'm fighting with you, working out with you, even when we're having our bloody stupid arguments, they're there. You're a right fine volcano waiting to burst open, and explode, and you don't even know it.
That's why we bloody fight all the time, pick at each other until it seems like we'll bleed because we're the only ones we know we're safe enough to do it with. Everyone else is too bloody fragile, and sensitive to handle what you, and me can dish out, and take from one another. And even then it hurts because we need to feel the pain to know we're living. We're alike-you-me-deny it and you're lying, Summers. Both of us are bloody vicious killers, except your killing is all justified, and sanctified in the name of goodnessokay we won't discuss my killings, not that I'm doing any of it any more. Hell, now I'm snuffing my own kind-ever think that's a bit on the wrong side too? You haven't caught on that killing whether it's mortal or demon is still killing. It's going to be a real shock when you find that bit out and see how much the WC lied to you. Everything is always just a matter of degrees in the end.
All I wanted was to show what love could be, how to let it all out, no stops, no hesitations, being totally unafraid that you were going to put your partner in traction if you let loose just the slightest. Yeah, baby, I know you got it in there to let loose all the way. I can see it in the flash of your eyes, your smile, the way you move, the way you walk, just in all the little things you do I can see all that caged power begging to be let loose, and free like it was meant to be.
But you're so bloody scared now, of me, yourself, the very idea of there even being an `us'. It horrifies you, even the bloody thought of it. I wish I could have kept my bloody mouth shut. I wish your kid sis hadn't opened her trap, and let you know. But hey, maybe it's better this way now. It's out there in the bleedin' open like it should be. You know where I'm coming from now, and I ain't going to back down, I ain't going to go away. I'm here baby, here for the bloody long hail, and whatever it's going to take to make you see that you that you got feelings for me too. It ain't one sided, luv. It never has been. We've been dancing around this for years since the first time we met, deny it all you want but it's bloody true and you know it, and I know it now. You want me, Summers, as much as I want you. Say it, Slayer, come on you can say it-if I can bloody admit that I love you, then you can tell me that you love me back. I'm waiting, Slayer.
Usually it's the guy that's the last one to realize what's going on. I don't know whether you realized it before now, or not? Maybe in the dark of night you may have thought about it, and wondered, but then you'd deny it just like I did not ready to bloody face the facts. Then too, you've had all these people telling you it's wrong-- vampire-slayer no, no, no! They'll happily remind you, look what happened with bleedin' Angel, see how bad that turned out. It's not the same you and me, you and him. First off, luv, he's bloody wanker always has been, and wasn't ever worthy of you. He was a prick before he got his soul, and that having a soul didn't make that much of an improvement in him. Remember I knew him before and afterwards. He's just whines more now and isn't any closer to being human than he was. But because he's got a damned soul that somehow makes him better than me-that's crap, pure and simple.
What, I couldn't, and didn't restrain myself from killing people before I got this soddin' chip? I never had to kill before unless I wanted to. Didn't bloody know that did you? So the chip makes it a permanent thing that I can't bite and feed, it's not as horrible as it may seem, at least for me. Takes the bloody pressure off having to hunt, but I'd never tell any of you that. After all this time I've gotten used to it. Though I do admit that every once, and a while I miss being able to do the deed, but anymore it's not a big deal, and it's been making me sit back, and think, and look at mortals as people again, and not as walking take out meals. That's a big thing for me, not being blinding by blood lust all the time so I could get to know people. Sure I'm still a bloody demon, but as your Watcher, and your friends have pointed out not all demons are bad or can't change if they want to. Missed that lecture didn't you?
But, luv, give me a bleeding chance. Hear me out, don't shut me out because I ain't going to go away. I'll bloody do whatever it takes to prove to you that I've changed, and I can stay changed, and not turn on you like my sire. I know I gots lots to make up to you before you can bleeding trust me. I've been trying haven't I? Look how I made sure your Mum and sis were safe when you asked me to look after them. I helped those people that got hurt at the Bronze, and didn't once try to feed on all the blood lying around. Any other demon wouldn't have been able to maintain that kind of control, and it took it a lot of control not to go all game face right then and there. But somehow you just won't give me just the littlest bit of praise for doing good, and that bloody hurts, Summers. If you did you might have to admit you were wrong about me, and you are the one that can't bend, not me.
The only thing I do bloody regret is going along with Dru and letting her kill at the Bronze. I really hope no one saw us do it, and word gets back to you, and the Scoobies. That's going to be bloody hard to explain my moment of insanity. I know I should have stopped her, but it was like I couldn't. It was like she was bloody making me go along with her, and then there was just the idea of her wanting me back, and the chance I might be able to go back to the way I was, be a proper vampire, and all again. I really didn't want to bite that girl, but she was already bloody dead thanks to Dru. And I realized right then, and there that if I went back to her that would be my lot in life-her killing for me, making me dependent on her-no-no way in hell-ever again. Had enough of that crap when she was shaking up with Angelus, and I was in that soddin' wheelchair. No, thanks, been there, done that, and ain't going to do it ever again. Then go back with her to LA, and face Darla, and Angelus have them bloody laugh at me. No, there just so much I can bloody handle. At least here I have some measure of undead life. There I'd have to start over fight my way back up to being the Big bad, and for bloody what? It ain't worth it when all I want is you anyway, Slayer. You're the bloody reason I came back to the Hellmouth for-you-just you-got that now? Not Dru, not me, but you. Always it was you even when I didn't understand why I was here, and what was going to happen to change my whole bloody life. It's got to be one of the higher power deals calling the shots, stripping me of all that I was for some purpose, and I do hope there is a purpose to all this bullshit I've had to endure since I met you.
Do you know what it's like to be stripped of all you are, your powers, your rep, everything that you're used to being? Yeah, I did hear about what the WC did to you, so at least show some sympathy, girl. At least you did get to be you again-me, it ain't going to happen, and I have to bloody accept it, and not get pissed about it. I'm supposed to see this as a good thing when you couldn't handle similar to yourself? Get real, but no, that's part of the problem, Summers, you can't get real. You can't see other people have bloody problems, only you do, and then you wonder why you get blind sided when they come up in your face.
You never saw it coming with the soldier boy. I bloody well did. I knew what was happening, not that I minded as I wanted him gone out of your life. Not that I thought I had a bleedin' chance with you then or even now, but I knew you were pushing him away. Hell, you've been pushing everyone away. I wouldn't let you push me and that's what makes you mad. I know what is happening with you. I know how that mind of yours works. Yeah, you can still blind side me, and make a fool out of me, but I still can figure out what's up with you, or I'll find out some way. You can't keep bloody secrets from me. You can try, but you'll find out it's a losing battle.
But hear me, Summers, I'm not giving up. I've never bloody giving up on you. You may lock me out of your house, try to keep me out of your life and family, insult me, yell at me, beat me up and try to stake me but you'll never get rid of me, you'll never make me not love you. And I do bloody love you, with every fiber of my undead being. God, I know it's wrong, but it just bloody `is', and I can't make it go away. I've hated your guts, wanted to kill you, wanted to bury you ten feet under, but I never could. Hell, I couldn't even handle you being bloody hurt, or some demon jumping your cute ass. So I've turned into a bloody poof like my sire, but you do that to me, you make me want to change to be bloody better than I have been. God, I'm now a white hat, but I like being this new me. The old me wasn't getting me anywhere and I know that now. Suppose I got to admit that to you now. Would that help change your mind? Will anything help change your mind? What is it bloody going to take for you to see that I have changed and you'll believe it? So far nothing has been doing it.
You didn't even notice I was wearing new clothes. You bitched enough about the old ones always asking me if I only owned one pair of pants, a T-shirt, and a red shirt. God, I felt so bloody weird going into the Bronze dressed like a freaking nancy boy for you, and then you didn't even notice-none of your Scoobies did. I really should get right insulted. And I try and mingle, try to fit in and be accepted, and all I ever get from you all is the cold shoulder. But you all are Johnny on the spot when there's a bit of trouble and you need help, and you drag my ass out to help-- never asking if I had plans or anything. If I treated any of you the way you treat me all the time you'd get all hurt, and all so offended. It's like you can do things and I'm not bloody allowed the same-that's so bloody wrong, but I'll let it slide-for now.
So fine, shut me out, make sure I can't come in. You'll be bloody sorry you did this Slayer the next time you or your family needs my bloody help. You told me that I was the only one strong enough to protect your Mum and sis. What's going to happen if you're out somewhere, and they need help, and no one can invite me in? What's it going to feel like, slayer to know I could have done something to save them, but you bloody well shut me out when they needed me the most? God, I don't want that to happen. It bloody well scares the hell out of me that you've made them so bloody vulnerable. I care about your family, I care about you, but you are making it damn clear you don't care. I'm not the one to be worrying about. It's that crazy bitch, Glory, that you should be. I am the least of your bloody problems. I'm not going to hurt you or them.
Slayer, you've got to undo the uninvite before they get killed-please Buffy-do it for them-please?
I heard them screaming, their fear, their pain cutting through me like knives. Glory got in. The Witches' spells didn't even slow her down. You were off somewhere on patrol. I had decided to hang around, see if maybe your Mum would talk to me, and maybe invite me in for old times sake. Maybe that Glory bitch knew that you were gone, knew I couldn't come in, and there wasn't anyone there to stop her. It had been weeks since she had tried to come in, so you all thought you were safe. Bad guys wait and plan, and watch, then pounce. Haven't you learned that by now? Maybe she had been watching-who knows, but you weren't gone ten minutes before she showed up and walked through the locked front door.
She had her hands on your Mum's head sucking out the energy from her, your sis was screaming hysterical, too afraid to run, or do anything, but watch. I tried to get her to come to the door to let me in, but Glory saw I was there, and just laughed, and made sure that half pint couldn't open the friggin' door. When Glory got done with your Mum she dropped her on the floor making sure she'd be the first thing you saw when you came home. She wants you to know who did this. And then she laughed, laughed at me still trying to get in, to get to your sis and Mum. Then she grabbed hold of your sister by the arm and they were gone in a flash of light.
Your Mum wasn't quite dead when they left, she had enough life to invite me in, and break the spell. I ran to her knowing it was too late as she did too. Calling 911 wouldn't do a thing, but I tried anyway. That's why you came home to ambulances and police cars in front of your house. They got there too late. She died in my arms, telling me to tell you that she loved you, and for me to take care of you, and to find Dawn if we could. And to stop that damn Glory anyway we could. She also told me she wished I wasn't a vampire, and that she always liked me anyway, and I was a good boy despite being a monster. I tried not to laugh because she was being all serious, but she wanted me to know she cared, and not to give up on you. But why am I telling you all this? You aren't going to believe me. You don't want to hear that your mom thought I was okay.
Yeah, I was crying when you came storming in. I had been crying as I held you Mum. Didn't think me being a demon I could cry, and feel pain-well I do, Slayer, I bloody well feel everything. And your Mum, she was a great lady, one the best I had ever known. She accepted me, knowing what I was, knowing what I could do, and still she trusted me with her life, yours and your sis'-unlike you, I might add.
But don't bloody yell at me for this mess! You did it not me! You're the stupid twit that had me banned from your bloody house so I couldn't come in. You're the one that left them unprotected. I could have bloody saved them, Slayer! I could have bloody done something.
Here now, luv, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled at you. I'm bloody upset too. just let it out cry let yourself cry. You can't hurt me glad I don't have to bloody breathe. We'll find your sis I promise. Glory will pay for this we'll make her pay for this. Red, and the kid, are coming, and so is your Watcher they'll be here soon. As soon as they come I'll go, leave you alone, but until they get here let's stay out of the nice people's way. Let them take care of your Mum, there's nothing more we can do.... yes, I'll talk to the people, I'll figure out something to tell them all.
Good you're here. Here Red, take her. Shh, luv, go with Willow, so I can talk to the boy and your Watcher. I'll be here. I won't go away, I'll never go away. I'll just be over here. Go with your friend, that's a good girl. Witch, take her away from all of this yeah, I couldn't get in don't you all start blaming me for this. I just couldn't get past the soddin' spell to stop her.and whose fault is that? You didn't have to do it, and now it's too bloody late.
End